The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
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The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
brian had himself a morning…
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.