Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
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I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.