I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
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Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
consequences, the bane of my existence
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting