How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
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Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.