I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
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Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.