West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
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My ex from highschool followed my new dogâs Instagram account and dmâed her âI donât like your momâ LMAO IM DYING
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now sheâs signed up for summer school
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Saying you’re single
⢠sobering
⢠gets you sad looks at parties
⢠invites relatives to murmur âyou’ll find someoneâ for everSaying âI stand aloneâ
⢠mysterious
⢠confident
⢠puts you on the same level as ThÊoden King
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues đ
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. đ”
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Gun people are always like âyou can pry it out of my cold dead handsâ
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Remember when âanyone can grow up to be Presidentâ was aspirational, not an existential threat?
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?