Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
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WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.