The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
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The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”