It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
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Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Social distancing in Australia:
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life