I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
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I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food