Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
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ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Lmfaoooooo
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.