I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
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beware of dog
(jukin media)
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.