Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
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I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Pretty much! 😂👀
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
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Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.