Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
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If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.