The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
You Might Also Like
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”