Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
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I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Sharon I have some bad news
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
this is the greatest thing ever
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
I have obtained a hat
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?