make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
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This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.