Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
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PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.