Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
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[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Nice try, poison.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
you have three unread messages
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.