Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
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You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!