Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
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*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why