Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
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A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.