Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
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16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
barbara was highly relatable
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.