Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
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*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.