Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
You Might Also Like
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
I feel this so hard
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.