About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
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Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!