Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
You Might Also Like
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
I never needed anything more in my life
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*