Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
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poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.