Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
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I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Air conditioning – not a fan
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Acronyms got me like WTF?
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar