Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
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We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.