A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
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Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Milk Cube
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.