nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
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My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.