“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
You Might Also Like
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Overindulged this afternoon.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.