Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
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cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
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Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!