Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
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[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.