I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
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No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Hotels are back
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
you stereotypes are all alike
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular