I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
You Might Also Like
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.