Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
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I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
why I oughta
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Body by sandwich.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.