First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
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11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.