What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
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My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Love this one 😂🧟
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO