Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
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Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.