“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
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Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
I think this cat is broken
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.