Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
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Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.