“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
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*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.