customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
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Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
58.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.