“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
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“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding