Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
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Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.