him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
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1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.