Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
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My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …