[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
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My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
giddy up Office Depot
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff